If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
