It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
