Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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