guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
