i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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