i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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