If i could tip my vagina, i would.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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