I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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