life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
