i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
