My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
