I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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