Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
