I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
