Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have tasted many bathrooms
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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