Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
