Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
