put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
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I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
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She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED