Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends