I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
