There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have already put on my inside pants.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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