im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
