He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I AM VODKA MAN
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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