I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
did i walk over a car last night?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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