Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
