Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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