I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
