Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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