Your mouth is God's brothel.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
