im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
