saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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