with your own penis?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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