Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
