Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
