he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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