shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
