Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
