seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
