Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
