My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
