Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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