neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
