as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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