so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
