Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
