video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
