Why are handjobs necessary in class?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
