just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
