I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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