there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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