She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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