I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
be right there i have to get my cape
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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