Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
