I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
my poor anus
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
