So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
