im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
