Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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