I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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