Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
