He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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