Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
