I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
